I open up the file of my work-in-progress and stare at the page. I don't type anything. I sigh. The lid on my laptop closes. Another day goes by that I don't write a thing.
Why do I keep doing this? It's certainly not because I have writer's block. I know exactly where my story is going.
I'm haunted. It's self-doubt. It's feeling like a failure. It's wondering if it's enough that this story might only matter to me, and no one else, to get me to finish it.
I want to be successful. There's no denying that. I won't pretend for a minute that I don't care if no one ever reads my work.
I use a pen name because I don't necessarily want attention on me. I've never liked being the center of it, but I'd like it to be given to the characters and worlds that I spend so much time on and care so much for.
Oh, how I love to write! I always have. I love spending time in another world. I absolutely adore it when my words make people connect to my characters and makes them cry, laugh, or get grossed and/or creeped-out.
But it's heartbreaking to feel like none of it matters.
I don't like shouting into a void.
I don't like feeling like a talentless fool.
So how do I continue? How do I keep on writing stories that no one will ever read?
Writing is a huge investment. Financially and emotionally. I wish more readers knew how much heart we put into our work.
But this is part of the process it seems. My heart dances to the tune created by the thousands of words that compile my little tales and then thuds into the pit of self-doubt and worry that no one will ever want to read them.
Sorry to moan. I'm an emotional person. Why hide it?
And maybe some of you are feeling the same about whatever brings you to great highs and lows.
I'm hoping that putting these feelings out there will help me take off on a writing frenzy again.
As Henry Ford said, "When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it."